Completely Into You
by aprylynn
Summary: Takes place after episode 4x03 (The Fifth Man). Deeks reflects on what Kensi means to him. Does she feel the same way about him?


**A/N:** _This takes place after episode 4x03 (The Fifth Man) - before the forgotten birthday, the box, the case with Max and Monica, the kiss, the torture, and the mission in Afghanistan would have taken place. Also, this story is operating under the assumption that Kensi and Deeks actually know how to communicate with each other (I know, weird).  
Thank you to Rebecca (YouSmileLaughEverything)!  
Also, I still own nothing.  
_

* * *

"Do you remember that room you were stuck in, with the lasers?"

"How could I forget?"

"I was thinking... that was the first time I remember being scared that you might die."

"Yeah, if we screwed up, you would have been dead, too. Of course you were afraid."

"True, but that wasn't why, though. I've been in danger before. I've thought I was going to die. I've been in situations where I was convinced there was no way out. But this was different. I wasn't afraid for me. I was afraid... that I would lose you."

They were sitting on Deeks' couch after a long day. Kensi was flipping through the channels, not really finding anything worth watching. Deeks wasn't paying attention to the TV at all. He was thinking back on the day. There was a moment when a suspect they were tracking down opened fire on them. All of a sudden, he lost sight of Kensi and he didn't know where she was or if she was okay. When she reappeared, he was finally able to breathe easy. Now that the day was over, the suspect was in custody, and his partner was safe and sound, he was feeling reflective. He didn't usually share thoughts like this with Kensi, but this time, he just couldn't keep them to himself.

Kensi turned off the TV and put the remote down. "You were afraid you'd lose me?"

"Yes. I know we hadn't been partners that long, but even at that point it was the longest partnership I'd ever had and I didn't want to lose that. I had just started getting used to you and your little quirks."

Kensi smiled at him. "I was so happy to see you when you walked through that door."

"So, that was probably the first time you were _ever_ happy to see me. And probably the only time." There was humor and teasing in Deeks' voice, but there was also a hint of insecurity. As confident as he acted, he was not really sure where he stood with Kensi. He knew they worked well together, but was that all? Did he mean anything more to her?

"No, not the only time and not the first time either."

"Really? So, what was the first time?"

Kensi didn't hesitate at all. "When you were undercover on that human trafficking case and LAPD lost contact with you. I was afraid that something bad happened to you."

Deeks chuckled. "I thought you hated me then."

"I didn't _hate_ you."

"You certainly didn't adore me like you do now."

Kensi rolled her eyes and shook her head as if she was annoyed, but Deeks noticed that she was still smiling. "Whatever, Deeks. We may not have gotten along then... but I didn't want anything to happen to you. That wasn't long after we lost Dom... and I didn't want to see someone else that I worked with die. When I saw that you were still alive, I was really relieved."

"And then you told me to shut up."

She laughed. "Hey, I can be annoyed with you and still be happy you're alive at the same time."

"I have to say I was really happy to see you, too. And Sam. And Callen. The whole not-being-dead thing really made me delirious."

Kensi smiled, but her eyes appeared sad. She spoke softly, "I'm sorry that we couldn't save Jess, though."

"Yeah, me too." He took a deep breath and rubbed his hand over his chin.

"You two were close?"

"Not really. We had just started working together."

"But... there was something there..."

"You could say that. We did cross a line that we probably should not have crossed." Deeks surprised himself for a brief moment. He never talked to anyone about Jess, his old partner. But over the years, he had not only grown to trust Kensi to have his back in times of danger, but he had also grown to trust her with pieces of himself. She knew things about him that no one else knew. Talking about this was uncharted territory for him, but strangely he didn't feel any fear or doubt when it came to sharing this with her.

"Why do you say that?" She asked.

"That's how we were found out. Lazik had a picture of me leaving her place one morning. I still blame myself for how that turned out. Maybe if we hadn't... then maybe she'd still be alive..."

"You can't blame yourself for that, Deeks. She chose to be involved with you. She knew the risk."

"It doesn't stop me from feeling guilty. I mean, I was in the middle of an intense, long-term undercover operation. We should have stayed on task. If there was something there between us... we should have waited until the case was over. We messed up... and she paid the price for it."

"Do you think there could have been something with you and her?"

"Maybe, but before I could seriously think about it, she was gone. I hated that I never got the chance to really know her. And it was all because of another cop... someone who was suppose to be protecting her... someone who was suppose to be on our side. That just made it hurt so much more. And it made me furious. I've never been that angry in my life."

"I never told you that I was sorry, you know, that you lost your partner."

"Thanks. I never told you that either. I wish I could have met Dom."

"It wasn't fair, what happened to him. It especially hurt because we almost had him back. We found him and he was alive and he had been in LA the whole time. But then in the blink of an eye, he was gone."

"I often wonder if Sam resented me for being there because he thought I was trying to replace him."

"Sam felt guilty for what happened to Dom. He blamed himself and he didn't really deal with it well."

"I know what that's like."

"I remember feeling so helpless. You're going to laugh at me, but the day that Dom went missing, I went to his apartment and washed all the dishes in his kitchen sink."

"You? Washed dishes? You've got to be kidding me!"

"No, it was strange. I had been to his apartment earlier that day to try to figure out where he was. His place was left as if he just went to work and had every intention of coming home later that night. The sink was full of dishes from the day before. I felt like... I was preparing for him to come home. He would have appreciated a clean kitchen. It was my way of trying to stay hopeful."

"It sucks to lose a partner."

They sat in silence for a little while, both thinking on those they had lost.

Deeks cleared his throat and spoke up. "You know... I thought about Jess when I saw you in that room... how I couldn't let you down. I wasn't there for her when she needed help. I couldn't let the same thing happen to you."

She turned towards him and shuffled closer. "I wonder sometimes if it had been someone else who found me. Would Sam have thought to do the same thing you did? Would Callen have made me wait for a bomb squad? You were just what I needed... when I needed it."

He laughed. "I don't know if it was such a good idea. It was pretty risky, maneuvering around the lasers like that."

"Now you tell me." She returned his smile. "Hey, it worked. I just... I couldn't stand there any longer. I started getting scared that you guys wouldn't find me in time and that I'd just fall over. But I just kept telling myself that I knew you would find me. And you did."

"It would have been a shame to go through all that only to get blown up."

"Yeah... but we didn't."

"Would you do it again? If we had to do it all over again, would you make the same choice and trust me to help you through?"

"Absolutely."

"Really?"

"Yes. Something changed between us that day. I remember Sam yelling at us a couple weeks before about how we had to learn how to trust each other. That moment... in that room... I knew I could trust you. I knew you had my back. I knew that no matter what... you were there for me and that we were in this partnership together."

"You just liked being on top of me."

"Yeah, that was so sexy. Lying on top of you covered in debris and talking about pee. Sign me up for that again."

"Anytime, darling. You can be on top anytime you want." He grinned at her.

She tried her hardest to sound irritated. "I'm trying to be serious here!"

"Okay, fine. You win. How's this for serious? Kens, you've been my partner longer than anyone. Hell, I've never even had an actual relationship that lasted this long. I trust you with my life and I'm a better person because I get to work with you everyday."

She smiled at him and blushed slightly. "Thank you, Deeks. You've made me better, too."

"It's a good thing we have each other. Who else would put up with us?"

"Yeah, being in this line of work can be pretty... lonely. I mean real relationships are down right impossible. I always struggle with what to disclose and when to disclose it. In the beginning a lot of stuff has to stay confidential and how do I all of a sudden tell a guy, _'Oh remember when I said I was an art curator? Funny story... I'm actually a federal agent who catches terrorists and gets shot at every day.'_ How will he react? And at what point do I trust him enough with that information about me? And at that point is it too late to tell him that I've been lying to him this whole time? Most of the time I don't get that far, but... I still don't know how to handle that. How do I get to know someone when I can't show him who I really am?"

Deeks looked her in the eyes and held her gaze. In the years that he knew Kensi, their partnership had changed drastically. They went from strangers who didn't trust each other at all, to co-workers who never saw eye to eye, to partners who trusted each other with their lives, to friends who could let their guards down, to... what? What were they now? There was something more happening between them. The only other time this happened to him was with Jess... and even that was different. It wasn't this deep or this intense. He was unsure of how he really felt about her and then it was too late. But with Kensi... they have had time to know each other, to trust each other, to enjoy each others company. And now, Kensi was voicing something that he himself had wrestled with for a long time. How does one who hides who they really are for a living... how are they ever able to truly share their life with someone? Deeks knew the answer to this question and up until now he was too afraid to actually voice it. But something was about to change.

"Um... Kens... about all that... relationships and how do you let someone into your life like that..."

"Yeah?"

"What if there is a guy... and he's completely into you and he thinks you're the most amazing woman he's ever met... and this guy already knows what you do and who you are?"

They stared at each other, not saying anything. Kensi took in a deep breath, trying to steady her racing mind. She knew exactly what he was implying by this. It both scared and thrilled her at the same time. Not even a week ago, she was playing poker with a girl named Astrid who asked her if she was in love with her partner. She couldn't stop thinking about this. She kept telling herself that there was no way that Astrid could have asked that question based on what she saw of them that day. She had barely seen them together at all. Kensi had convinced herself that Astrid meant nothing by this... but that didn't change the fact that the question was out there. Someone asked her if she was in love with Deeks. And she didn't answer. If the answer was no, then she would have just said no. But she didn't say anything. And this bothered her, because if the answer wasn't a definite no, then what was the answer? And now, here was her partner, suggesting that he may feel something for her as well. This terrified her... but she trusted this man more than anyone else in her life. She trusted him to find her after being captured. She trusted him to pull her from an exploding room. There was no reason not to trust him with this as well.

"Um... that would depend on a couple things."

He smiled. "Like what?"

"Like... whether or not I was into him, too."

He moved slightly closer to her. "And?"

"He would have to be someone that I already know and care about... but I'd be worried that we'd screw up what we already have."

"But if you two already care about each other... then wouldn't you do everything in your power to _not_ screw it up?"

She nodded. "I guess so."

"Wouldn't it be worth it to try for something great?" He reached over and gently touched her hand. Her heart raced at his touch. She moved her hand and interlaced her fingers with his.

"We'd have to take it slow. I wouldn't want us to lose focus at work..."

"At work? What are you talking about? I was speaking hypothetically. Do you have someone in mind who you work with? I know, it's Sam, isn't it? No, Eric. No, I'm wrong, it's Granger. OW! Really, Kens? Holding my hand with one hand and punching me with the other?"

"You're an idiot, you know that?"

"Yeah, I know. I'm an idiot..." He brought his other hand up and gently ran his fingers through her hair. He lowered his voice to a whisper. "... who's completely into you."

"Deeks..."

He leaned forward and kissed her softly. She leaned into him and brought her hand up to his face. He broke the kiss and rested his forehead against hers.

"Kens... you know, I've fought this for a long time because I didn't want to make the same mistakes I've made before. But I can't fight it anymore. I know that I want something more with you. And I'll do whatever it takes to make it work."

Kensi brought her hand down to his shoulder and gently traced a line up and down his neck with her thumb. "I... I've fought this, too. I was afraid that if we got too close... I'd be devastated if it didn't work out... or if I lost you. But it's too late, Deeks. You're already too important to me."

She leaned over and pressed her lips to his. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her even closer.

"So... I guess this means that you _are_ into me."

"Or maybe you just wore me down."

He laughed. "Try to deny it all you want, Kens. I know you'd be lost without me."

She looked down and started playing with the collar of his shirt. "I meant what I said before, about taking it slow. I don't want to ruin what we have. I want to do this right."

He placed his fingers on her chin and tilted her head back up, looking into her eyes again. He saw a multitude of emotions expressed in her face: fear, apprehension, uncertainty, excitement, affection... and maybe a little something more... something that neither of them was ready to say out loud just yet.

He smiled. "I think we're off to a pretty good start."

"Me, too."


End file.
